‘There are no bad potatoes, only bad potato dishes with not enough butter in them’

There’s a nifty Norwegian saying that I like to irritatingly pull out whenever someone complains about Melbourne’s weather (ie, often): “There is no bad weather, only bad clothes!”

As a lifelong carb lover with strong Irish potato-loving ties, I feel the same about spuds. To paraphrase: “There are no bad potatoes, only bad potato dishes with not enough butter in them.”

With this in mind, and with thousands of great Good Food potato recipes at my fingertips, I proudly present the highly unofficial ranking of potato dishes, from the dry and drab to the creamy and completely dreamy. You’re welcome.

10. Boiled new potatoes

No offence newbies, but you let the whole potato family down. Waxy, thin-skinned, with a stubborn refusal to fall apart in floury surrender, no matter how long you’re boiled for, instead you’re a wet, sloppy disappointment. Even Adam Liaw couldn’t rescue you, having to resort to an A-list ingredient like salmon to make you even remotely interesting.

Score: 2/10

9. Potato soup

As soups go, potato is as literally beige as they come, especially when paired with its equally pale old mate, the leek. This can be great when you’re unwell and have lost all sense of taste and smell anyway, but as an everyday dish it’s pretty much unsalvageable − even with a big blob of burratta and crispy nubs of fried prosciutto sprinkled on top of it. To the bin!

Score: 3/10

8. Hasselback potatoes

The clue’s in the name. Waaay too much hassle! Hasselback potatoes − said to actually be named after the Stockholm restaurant that invented them − always look better than they taste. All that precise slicing and RSI counts for nothing when it ends up simultaneously soggy and too hard in the middle. Promises much, delivers little, much like that Sex and the City spin-off that should never be spoken of again.

Score: 4/10

7. Potato cakes or scallops

Before you clutch your pearls, relax. It’s just a potato cake. Or is that potato scallop? Potato, potarto, I’ve just never really gotten the hype. A plain disc of potato deep-fried in batter is just a bad pun on a Bob Dylan album: bland on bland. If you’re going to the fish and chip shop, why wouldn’t you just get a crab stick instead of this poor imitation of actual battered fish? Don’t @ me.

Score: 5/10

6. Jacket potatoes

Let’s face it, it’s less about the actual potato and more about what you load it up with that makes jacket potatoes so irresistible. Hell, even broccoli looks half appetising in the right potato-loaded environment (see photo above). It’s also ridiculously easy to make: open oven, place whole unpeeled potato in oven, bake for hours. My toppings of choice: lots of butter, lots of cheese, lots of bacon, lots of sour cream. And a sprinkle of chopped spring onion − for health, of course.

Score: 6/10

5. Potato gems and hash browns

OK, I admit it, I have the discerning palate of a 12-year-old. But tell me there’s anything better than a Macca’s hash brown after a big night out. Or that adding potato gems to just about anything doesn’t make it more fun and delicious (see Katrina Meynink’s genius creation, above, that cleverly combines gems with that other great spud dish that just missed out on this list, patatas bravas). Not convinced? Katrina’s new recipes show potato gems, tater tots, whatever you may call them, are more than just fried footy-shaped shredded potato nuggets.

Score: 7.5/10

4. Potato au gratin or dauphinoise potatoes

Oui, they are pretty much the same thing. The same glorious, creamy, garlicky, thing, baked for as long as you dare until cream and potato become one. Purists might leave off the grating of gruyere on top that makes it even more golden, but I say, if you come this far on the indulgence scale, knock yourself out. Best eaten with a spoon, alone. It’s ice-cream for savoury tooths.

Score: 8.5/10

3. Hot chips

It hurts me to say this, hot chips; you’ll always be spectacular, but you’re also suffering from massive overexposure. You’re everywhere, on every menu, at every event, winking away, daring us not to order you. You’re starting to overvalue yourself, selling for upwards of $15 a bowl. You’ll always be near the top of any food list, but it’s time you had a little reality check. You are just sliced, fried potato, after all. That goes doubly for you, French fries.

Score: 9/10

2. Mashed potato

I’m not talking about that lumpy, watery mash served with rissoles that you grew up on (or was that just me? Sorry, Mum!). I’m talking French restaurant-quality mash, or Paris mash, as the fancy folk call it. Equal parts butter, cream and potato, as yellow as the sun. It’s even easier to enjoy when you can’t see how much butter the chef added. I even love you traditional Irish-style, swirled with cabbage, smothered with gravy, aka colcannon. Although to be fair, this Adam Liaw version with Brussels sprouts may be pushing the friendship.

Score: 9.5/10

1. Roast potatoes

It’s you. It’s always been you. Especially when you’re parboiled to within an inch of your life, doused in duck fat, and roasted to crispy-outside floury-inside perfection, like Andrew McConnell’s version, above. Though I am also obsessed with the modern spin on the classic: RecipeTin’s crispy smashed potatoes. Pure, simple, and literally impossible to stuff up. No notes.

Score: 10/10